Thursday, October 27, 2011
"I'm Quitting the Program Tomorrow!"
Last Monday didn't go so well. After spending probably 10 hours over the weekend writing a lesson plan, preparing to teach, and assembling materials, I woke up tired and edgy on Monday morning. Nevertheless, as the kids entered the first period class I was about to teach, I felt at ease and full of enthusiasm. An hour later, I felt deflated and disappointed. All that work, all that emotional investment, and...it fizzled. I rushed, I didn't give the kids time to process and think, I didn't take action when the kids were clearly confused, and so on. It didn't help that one of the girls in the class made it her mission to spend the whole period heckling me. That's when I told my Dyad partner, Deb, "I'm quitting the program tomorrow if I don't do better this afternoon." I did reteach the class later in the day, and, yes, it sure was improved--it was even pretty good, but, of course, far from perfect. Intellectually, I know not to expect perfection, but a part of me wonders if all the grueling academic and emotional work I am doing is really going to be worth it. Being a really good teacher seems almost beyond attainment when you look at all the required components. First, I spent so many hours on the lesson plan, yet it turned out to be mediocre at best. Next, I spent a ridiculous amount of time preparing materials and organizing myself, yet things still felt disorganized and chaotic. Last, I wanted the kids to see that I cared and I wanted them to learn, yet they seemed only somewhat engaged. I know this is a bit premature, but if teaching involves an inordinate amount of work and time, and yet I end up feeling distressed and unhappy with my effectiveness, what then?
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I just came across this post Janey and I wanted to commiserate with you because I taught a lesson last week and I think I felt similarly and I ended up in tears afterwards. I think the worse part was two girls (these are 8th graders) talking and giggling all the way through when I was trying to talk. Janey, I know you will be a wonderful teacher, and I cannot imagine that anyone in our cohort will not have this experience sooner or later. My latest blog post talks about my experience and reflection more if you are interested in taking a look.
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Linda, thank you for your kind comments! I am not Janey, but hoping you feel I will be a wonderful teacher as well!!
ReplyDeleteAs your DYAD partner, how happy I am you are not quitting the program! We need, the children need, you! You care, you are sympathetic, you pour your heart and soul into your work.
ReplyDeleteWe are learning, and that is truly challenging. When you are an "A" type personality it is hard to put so much into something only to be deflated. It leaves you feeling unsatisfied.
Your post is also a wonderful reminder about how, as teachers, even when we are exhausted we must find the strength and stamina to give more than we possibly have left.
It is exhausting, frustrating, and often unsatisfying. Yet as teachers, if these feelings stop and we feel we are on easy street, have we stopped growing? If we stop growing,how will we push our students to reach further than they think they are capable?
"Time, which runs through the world like an endless tinsel thread, seemed to pass through the centre of this room and through the centre of these people and suddenly to pause and petrify, stiff, still and glittering... and the objects in the room drew a little closer together." - Robert Musil
Hey Karyn,
ReplyDeleteGee, I hope this is just a temporary phase you're going through! Perhaps just a mood swing? It is frustrating to plan and prep and revise and then still not have the lesson go as planned. But get this, my DYAD partners and I just did a lesson in 6th grade history. We had the kids make pyramids and now they'll research, write, design and decorate the faces. We helped them get cornell notes ready, peruse resources, select topics, get engaged, work independently, ask questions and find answers. All WITHOUT a lesson plan. It's like magic!!