Unfortunately, this magic was pure imagination. It's how I visualized the lesson over and over. It's the way I wanted it to be, the way I thought it could be. The reality was so devastating, so unlike what I dreamed of. In the "real" version, I was so nervous that I became totally oblivious to the kids--I'm not even sure I knew they were in the room with me! Because I wasn't connecting with the kids, I missed the fact that my lesson was falling flat on its face--pacing way too slow, me getting mired in detail and derailed by student comments. The introductory activity should have been 5 minutes, but it was still going after 20 minutes. I knew something was wrong, but I was so removed from what was happening that I couldn't see my way out, so I kept plodding on.
When it was all over, I was beyond upset. Of course, my teacher and field supervisor were supportive and gave me some useful feedback. Outwardly I tried to appear to take it all philosophically, but I felt done in. I heard the voice in my head: if you were really teacher material, you wouldn't have done this poorly. I went home, seemingly unable to process it all.
The next day, something extraordinary happened. When I awoke, I felt like an entirely new person. I had apparently done lots of reflection while I was asleep! Suddenly, I totally "got" the feedback I was given the day before and, more importantly, knew what I could do to improve. I embraced my "fail" and decided it would be my friend, it would be my teacher. When I went to school, I began to see things through new eyes, and I felt strangely more confident as a teacher. The mistakes I had made really helped me define who I wanted to be and how to get there. I have risen again, wiser and more powerful than before.
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