Dyadium Interruptus

Anyone feeling like I am?? Our Dyad is almost over. A few weeks ago, I would have been relieved, even happy, to be able to check off another task, to get even closer to my destination. But that was before the 100+ kids I see everyday got to me. I am beginning to feel affection for these kids as I get to know them and try to peer behind their aloof personas. All the middle school attitude suddenly seems so endearing, the angst so noble. Getting to see tiny bits of what's hidden underneath them--the confusion, the sadness, the bravado, the hope--is a rare and beautiful privilege. Sure, the affection is pretty one-sided. I'm fairly marginal in these kids' lives. I sometimes get heckling and indifference, but I get where they're coming from. I carry on, working with the kids, one at a time, trying my best to really see their lovable selves and honor them in our tiny moments together. Just as connections are being built, away I go, gone from their lives forever.

"I'm Quitting the Program Tomorrow!"

Last Monday didn't go so well. After spending probably 10 hours over the weekend writing a lesson plan, preparing to teach, and assembling materials, I woke up tired and edgy on Monday morning. Nevertheless, as the kids entered the first period class I was about to teach, I felt at ease and full of enthusiasm. An hour later, I felt deflated and disappointed. All that work, all that emotional investment, and...it fizzled. I rushed, I didn't give the kids time to process and think, I didn't take action when the kids were clearly confused, and so on. It didn't help that one of the girls in the class made it her mission to spend the whole period heckling me. That's when I told my Dyad partner, Deb, "I'm quitting the program tomorrow if I don't do better this afternoon." I did reteach the class later in the day, and, yes, it sure was improved--it was even pretty good, but, of course, far from perfect. Intellectually, I know not to expect perfection, but a part of me wonders if all the grueling academic and emotional work I am doing is really going to be worth it. Being a really good teacher seems almost beyond attainment when you look at all the required components. First, I spent so many hours on the lesson plan, yet it turned out to be mediocre at best. Next, I spent a ridiculous amount of time preparing materials and organizing myself, yet things still felt disorganized and chaotic. Last, I wanted the kids to see that I cared and I wanted them to learn, yet they seemed only somewhat engaged. I know this is a bit premature, but if teaching involves an inordinate amount of work and time, and yet I end up feeling distressed and unhappy with my effectiveness, what then?